When God’s clear direction takes an unexpected path, again!

Over the last few years, the plans that my husband and I dreamt up for our family started to seem impossible. We discussed what we wanted our family to look like in pre-marital counseling and we came to the conclusion that we would be happy with 2-4 children. Our only requirements were: 1) we did not want an only child and 2) we would be realistic about our financial situation as our family grew. My husband and I both grew up in households where we had 3-4 siblings. Our homes were full of laughter, arguments which led to conflict resolution, happy and sad memories, and even pure chaos…but that’s what we imagined!

Fast forward to where we are now, we have one 5 year old daughter who is our miracle child! We had her in 2019, and other than taking a little longer than expected to conceive and some miserable morning sickness that seemed to last for an eternity, our pregnancy journey with her was healthy and easy. Since June 2022 until just a few weeks ago we have experienced four unexplained “recurrent” miscarriages. I’ll share more about this journey in future posts, but today I want to focus on this most recent one.

May 4th, 2024 we went to a Brandon Lake concert. It was an amazing concert and I left feeling refreshed and convicted. Part of Brandon Lake’s testimony that he shared before singing “Miracle Child” was that his parents experienced 9 miscarriages before he was born. On the drive home, my husband asked me this question, in a gentle, joking manner: “What did you think about his testimony about the miscarriages? Do you think we are denying the world another Brandon Lake by not allowing a natural pregnancy?” You see the last miscarriage we experienced prior to this one left my physical body in pain and turmoil for 3 long months. After that, I firmly decided that I refused to be pregnant again. I did this as I shifted my focus to becoming foster parents. We both agreed God’s clear direction was that this was a mission he was calling our family to pursue. I closed the door on naturally having a child and my husband had been respectful of my decision. As he asked me if we should reconsider, I was consumed with God’s voice in my ear saying, “My child, you are closing a door that I didn’t ask you to close and you are not allowing me to move in the ways I choose to move. Trust me.” I leaned in and we decided not to prevent pregnancy. On May 29, 2024 I took a pregnancy test and it was POSITIVE! This happened one day after our first foster child (a beautiful 7 month girl that was with us for 3 months) left our home. Immediately, those complex feelings of fear, joy, hope, and terror flooded my mind. As I moved through the coming days, I shared with my mother, my prayer mentor, and my husband who showered me in prayers. I did all I could to chase after the peace that surpasses all understanding as I waited for God’s voice to declare that this was my miracle. On June 3rd, I was walking in peace and I was so thankful and certain that God was blessing me for walking in faith through my biggest fear.

On June 6th, 2024 the bleeding started and again I walked through loss. I wasn’t even

5 weeks pregnant (my earliest loss yet). We had a family vacation starting in 2 days and I immediately began preparing everything to make this trip as enjoyable as possible in the midst of this grief that I’ve come to know like an old friend. The kind of old friend that is a little unwelcome because I know I’m not my best self with them around, but it’s familiar so I settled in. I have walked through this loss mostly on my own, telling myself I’ve been here before. I’m struggling through this one a little differently.

I’ve become familiar with God’s voice, and it was by His very clear direction that we took this leap of faith. Transparently, I’m wrestling with God right now. What is it that you have for me? Why ask me to break down my walls only to allow that same disappointment and pain back in? I know you are building my faith, because I’ve seen you do this before and I’m grateful for how you’ve brought me closer to you. I’m anxiously awaiting the next piece of the mosaic masterpiece your creating in my life, so I can see the big picture. Yet, I’m reminded that in the “not yet” is where faith is found. So, for now, I remain in another season of waiting. I’m placing my trust in God that He has a plan for our family. Perhaps another foster placement, or our miracle pregnancy, adoption, or maybe none of the above. The best I can do is place my trust in God every day. I’m thankful for a God that wants to hear me in my pain and grants me new mercies every morning, because this trust requires daily wrestling with God…daily joy and lament as I sit with God in both. I’m reminded to walk through my fear and grief in the same way Jesus did when he said “My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” Jesus asked his Father the same question three times as the day of his death approached. So, I’ll bear my requests to my Heavenly Father, respecting and knowing that His will for my life will prevail and it will be beautiful.

I’ll leave you today with these two scriptures that remind me that God has a plan and when it looks different than mine, it is always better!

Proverbs 19:21 says “Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.”

Isaiah 55:8-9 says “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”