Walking on water - Keeping my eyes on Jesus
- rblackbu4
- Jul 20, 2024
- 5 min read
Today, I’m reminded of the story in the Bible where Jesus calls Peter to walk on the water. Let me catch you up on where I’m at in life right now. Last week I received a call for a foster care placement. The child was a baby boy that was 2 days old and I was given very little information, which is pretty standard in these situations. One of the pieces of information I received was that the social worker felt that baby boy would be a long-term placement. When I received this call, I felt complete peace in my heart that this was a YES for us. I called my mom, my rock, and I explained to her that I felt so much peace about accepting this baby boy. She shared with me at the end of our conversation that the day before my last miscarriage she was praying for a healthy baby and pregnancy and God told her “you don’t know what you are asking for, you’re praying for the wrong thing”. She was hopeful that this was what we were waiting for! It took some time to rearrange my work schedule and recruit the help of the Grandmas to make sure we could accept this baby boy into our home. So, about an hour later I exuberantly told the social worker that we would accept him into our home. I was told to wait for their call the next day and be prepared to pick him up at the hospital for a morning discharge between 10:00 am - 1:00 pm. I had an intense meeting with my bosses and they agreed to let me work from home 2 days a week for the first 6 weeks of this placement, so I could be present for baby boy. Most people plan for a baby for 9 months and get a maternity leave with their baby, but foster care looks a bit different for working parents at only a moment’s notice. The next day I anxiously awaited the call to go to the hospital and pick him up. I looked at the clock and realized it was 12:30 pm and I hadn’t heard anything. I texted my social worker and asked if she had an update. She responded shortly after informing me that a relative was contacted to take baby boy but they were waiting for her response. She told us that the relative had a full-time job so if she said yes, then they would place baby boy in our home for 6 weeks, then they would move him to the relative’s home. I immediately felt very conflicted. I had moved mountains and in the progress become so very hopeful for a long-term placement, but I knew that we were not the right home for such a short-term placement. We have been a short-term home for a 4 month baby girl previously, and we were so blessed by having her but that also came with it’s own cycle of grief.
I called our social worker and explained that we would prefer they call some other foster homes since the situation had changed. She understood and soon after, she texted with an update that relative was going to take baby boy after 6 weeks and he would be placed in another foster home. My head knew that this was a great outcome for baby boy, but my heart felt the familiar pain of crushed hopes, again. First, I stepped out in faith and allowed for the opportunity to become pregnant, became pregnant and hopeful, and lost my child yet again. Then, just about a month later I had an opportunity to open my home to this baby boy for a long-term placement, I hoped because I felt called by God to foster care and this felt like his answered prayer, and discovered this was not our time. God never said that following His plan for our lives would be easy. We have to walk through and work through our feelings hand and hand with God, especially when it comes to grief. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that my faith can be strong and I can still grieve, and Jesus understands this because He experienced it.
This morning as I was praying and asking God for some clarity on what the future holds, I remembered the story of Peter walking on the water - when he remained focused on Jesus, he was able to do the impossible! My focus is going to remain on Jesus and I’m not going to allow the strength of the wind to distract me! The words that God gave my mom have resonated with me, “you don’t know what you are asking, you’re praying for the wrong thing”. What I know is that God called me to stop preventing pregnancy and I have not heard Him tell me anything different. I strongly felt God’s call on my family to be a foster home and again I have not heard Him tell me anything different. Not only am I going to remain faithful in what He has called me to do, I’m going to seek HIS WILL! Even though the winds are blowing whispering in my ear - after 4 miscarriages are you sure it isn’t time to give up? The waves of doubt keep coming and keep shouting - maybe you aren’t strong enough for foster care. The devil wants me to believe that God doesn’t think I can handle more than one child. I’m going to stand firmly on what I know God has asked me to do and I won’t move until He asks me to do something different! My eyes are focused on Him fully which is exactly where He wants me. There is so much freedom in fully submitting to Jesus. I heard in a message recently that when your frame of mind begins with your desires and your plans, instead of God’s desires and His plans, therein lies the problem. How do you keep your eyes on Jesus when things are not going right? For me, it’s practicing gratitude, listening to my workshop playlist continually, praying instead of watching Netflix, walking and talking with my Christian friends, and listening to encouraging podcasts. I’m allowing my every breath and every thought to be consumed with Jesus! When we reach our lowest valley and we have nothing in and of our own strength to continue, that’s where God’s strength is made perfect in our weakness. I want to encourage you to pour out your request to God to reveal your next step and when you hear His sweet voice, keep your eyes fixed on what He has asked of you. Don’t move until He asks you too! Take it one day at a time, one moment at a time and wait expectantly on the Lord to move!
I’m linking my Spotify playlist which I’ve titled “Hope in the Storm” and I hope this can be a playlist that speaks to your heart in the same way it has spoken to mine time and time again.
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3PBVHzHkFywFHdSBhavJLA?si=3rlK2o-nTnGjCaPO5ZsVaw&pi=u-DDtoDM7VSoGA
I’m also going to include a link below to a podcast “A Force to be Rockoned With” which has brought me so much hope and joy. This podcast speaks to me because we have walked similar paths and are the same age and stage of life. It’s encouraging, raw, and challenging. Give I a try if you need something new to listen too.
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