The beginning of this story

Today I’m sharing some of my journal entries from my very first pregnancy loss. One way I have been able to work through the pain of my losses has been to journal. This has provided me an opportunity to name every struggle I faced, even if I was too afraid to speak it out loud. It’s also been a great way for me to look back and see how far I’ve come. I hope that if you are reading this and you’ve experienced your own loss, that you feel seen and comforted. Maybe you’ve had the same reactions and feelings. If you haven’t experienced loss in this way, I hope that this raw excerpt is insightful as you love and support those in your own circles who have experienced pregnancy loss.

June 23, 2021 - I’m waking up this morning feeling deep sorrow and confusion. Last week I discovered I was pregnant after several months of negative tests. I was overjoyed in that moment. I can still feel that joy bubble over as I told Justin the news. I praised you for blessing me with the ability to carry another child. I began to pray for my pregnancy and speak health over my baby from day one. I had just gotten to a place of real submission in faith, that you would bless me with another child in your time right before I found out I was pregnant. It felt you were blessing me for my faith with this baby!

Yesterday, (6/22/2021) was the hardest day of my life. The morning was like any other Tuesday morning. Before my lunch break, I noticed some bleeding. It wasn’t excessive but it was enough to make me worry. I had a sinking feeling in my stomach. It was almost an inner voice warning me of what was to come. As the bleeding progressed, I told my coworker (poor guy!) that I needed to leave. When he asked, I told him I was worried I was having a miscarriage. I called Justin and he was heading to the ER to meet me. I waited for him to arrive before I went into the ER because I knew I wouldn’t be able to speak through my tears to explain everything to the triage nurse. As we waited in line, I heard each person give a reason for their visit: I fell and hit my head…I’ve had chills and cold symptoms, etc. I was able to give a brief summary of my symptoms and I was instructed to have a seat until they called my name. While we sat, Justin did all he could to comfort me. He tried to see the “silver lining” and he said that he was happy this happened earlier on in the pregancy. He mentioned how we didn’t book the mini-vacation we were planning to take that week, I listened to all the words he said and appreciated his efforts to comfort me, but my heart ached every time he said “I’m glad this happened now because…” There was no part of me that was glad this happened, early or otherwise. At that point, I wasn’t even 100% ready to accept that I was losing our baby. I started praying and pleading with the Lord to allow the baby to be healthy and to continue to grow in my womb. I had faith in His miraculous touch and had moments where I felt I was going to find out I wasn’t having a miscarriage and thought I could leave the hospital with renewed hope. I felt so overwhelmed by the battle between grief and hope, that all I wanted was to blink and for it to be over. As time passed and I sat waiting to be called, I believe God orchestrated some distraction that came in the form of unexpected text messages from friends. This gave my mind the break it needed from my deep anxiety. As more time passed, the light cramping intensified until I was having cramps that reminded me of early labor contractions. I began feeling the rush of blood and it took everything in me not scream in that busy waiting room. I muffled my cries and tried to breathe like they teach you in child-birthing classes. This period of pain, agony, and sorrow seemed to last forever. I’ll never forget the feeling of my soaking wet face mask (thank you COVID) against my face or the paintings hanging on the walls in that waiting room that were my focal point as I steadied my breathing. These hours that passed in the waiting room were extremely difficult! I couldn’t shake the feeling of excitement I had when I saw the positive pregnancy test - how foolish I felt for allowing myself to get so attached to my pregnancy, my baby, so early on. When I was able to get the words out, I told Justin that I was now sure I was having a miscarriage. I told him the cramps felt like contractions and I could tell the bleeding had increased, so he went to the front desk to see how much longer it would be and explained my symptoms had gotten worse. I was starting to accept that I was losing my baby and had lost all hope.

Finally, I was taken back to a room and the PA came to see me. She said there was a chance I was having a miscarriage and started ordering tests. I was in complete awe of how much physical pain I was in at just under 6 weeks pregnant. Soon the nurse began prepping for an internal exam. I tried not to look afraid, but I was equally scared and ready to have clarity. Justin asked if I wanted him to step out and I knew he would prefer too, but I selfishly asked him to stay. I think he sensed my fear because he agreed right away. As I laid on the bed for the exam, I couldn’t help but think of the joy that often follows when a woman is in this same position, about to give birth to your child and I felt this sadness and feeling of loss hit me like a wave. I squeezed my eyes shut as I felt the PA pull or scrape whatever she could to help “clean me out”, I assumed. She believed she had gotten the “contents of conception” - meaning my baby - and she said they would send them to the lab to confirm. At this point, the PA ordered an ultrasound just to confirm the miscarriage. As I entered the ultrasound room, another wave of disappointment hit me as I was reminded of the many joys that I should’ve had in an ultrasound room. I immediately thought of the 8 week appointment I had just called to schedule the day before. I had been so excited to see my baby (I had this feeling that I just knew this was my boy from the moment I found out I was pregnant)! The ultrasound confirmed that I had lost my baby. It was then that my physical and emotional exhaustion set in. Justin climbed into the hospital bed with me and I closed my eyes and was able to rest my head on his shoulder. I thanked God in this moment for blessing me with a husband who was a kind man. I was so thankful for a man who was able to cope in his own way but be present and advocate for me. I prayed “God, please help me to mourn and heal so that I can see your future plans for me and not to remain in the past.” After nine long exhausting hours, I was discharged and able to go home.

When I got home, my mom had left her obligations and went to my house. She wasn’t allowed in the ER with me since I could only have one person with me. So, she made me a large batch of her homemade chicken noodle soup. Justin got me a bowl of soup when we got home, which brought me a sense of comfort. It was my mama’s love in a bowl and her chicken noodle soup was more for my soul than my belly that night! My parents picked up our daughter from daycare and took her to their house for a Mimi and Pap-paw sleepover. My heart ached that night to hold my little girl and watch her sleep in my arms after losing my baby. I knew that I needed rest and that my 2 year old daughter needed to see me after I had some time to process my pain and my loss. Justin tried to comfort me by reminding me that we have a beautiful little girl who adores me, we have each other, we have an amazing family that supports us. I appreciate his positivity and his effort to make me feel better.

The next morning I felt my body beginning to return to “normal”. I was trying to balance allowing myself to mourn the loss of my baby, but also not giving the devil the opportunity to hold me captive in the past or in the “what could’ve or should’ve been”. I prayed that God would help me to see the reason he asked me to walk this road. Even in the midst of some of the darkest days, I knew that the Holy Spirit was holding me and walking through the valley with me. I never blamed God because I had His scripture written in my heart and I would say to myself - He works all things for the good of those who love Him. He has plans to prosper m and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future. My prayer was that God would bless me with wisdom and peace as I navigated my sorrow. I asked Him to help me to treasure and embrace the blessings that were right in front of my eyes.

In the days following the loss of my baby, I was scheduled for a follow-up visit with my OB/GYN. I was very visibly emotional during my appointment. My doctor reassured me that it was very common to have a miscarriage and she encouraged me by saying, “most of the time women are more fertile after a miscarriage and she’d see me in the next 3 months pregnant again”. I clung to those words and when the those 3 months came and went and I wasn’t pregnant, I was extremely disappointed! I was reminded in this experience that my hope has to be found in Jesus! When we look to other things or people to fulfill us, we will be disappointed, but Jesus never lets us down! The more we trust in Jesus, the more He fills us with joy and peace and our hearts overflow with true hope.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13

Reflecting back on these days, I remember thinking “I have no idea how I could do this without Jesus” and I stand by that! There were moments that I asked God, why this was happening to me. But even in the midst of great physical and emotional pain, there was a peace that truly surpassed all understanding that was with me the whole time. I’m so thankful that my parents introduced me to God and gave me opportunities to memorize scripture and build my relationship with Him. It was the foundation of faith in my life that allowed me to draw nearer to God, the more I hurt, rather than running away. I encourage those of you that are raising kids or if you serve in kids ministry, to help your kids build that foundation. Teach them to read, understand, and memorize scriptures - write His words on their hearts. Teach them how to talk to Jesus so when life gets messy or scary they can find peace as they cast all their cares on Him! Teach them to listen and hear God’s still small voice. Maybe you are going through a valley right now and you need to tap into that foundational faith. I encourage you - the harder it gets, press into God’s more! Start by talking to God about where you’re at and seek Him first! Then, dig into His word and listen for his direction. While you’re waiting for his direction, declare His peace over your life and walk in it!

I want to leave you with the Bible verses that have brought me the greatest comfort. Each of my losses have been very early in pregnancy. Honestly, there have been times that I felt foolish for feeling deep sorrow for such and early loss. Losing a baby in early pregnancy was extremely lonely because nobody else in the world experiences your loss in the same way as you! I had so many amazing friends and family who sat with me and talked with me, but until I truly read these verses again, I still kept feeling slightly foolish for my grief. These verses changed everything for me…

“You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous - how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered!”

Psalm 139: 13-17

This scripture gave name to my feelings…my baby boy was formed in “utter seclusion” but I wasn’t alone, because God saw him! My baby boy’s life was precious and real to my God! He had planned every day of his existence before he was even conceived. God KNOWS my baby and He knows my love for him because God loves him too!