He’ll do it again
- rblackbu4
- Sep 8, 2024
- 5 min read
In March of 2022, I found myself finally staring at the two pink lines of a pregnancy test again! My eyes saw the two lines and I was filled with excitement. I had been waiting since our first loss for my rainbow baby, my “redemptive pregnancy”. My doctor assured me after my miscarriage that this was more normal than I knew and that she had no concerns for me getting pregnant again and carrying a baby to full term - after all, my body had done it before. For the next two weeks, each day I wrestled with joy and fear from the moment my eyes opened to the moment I fell asleep. Sleep was my peace and I longed for peace! I made sticky notes of scriptures that I prayed all day everyday at my desk at work, casting out all fear in Jesus name and declaring God’s goodness over my baby.
On March 25 2022, I did a deep dive into my podcast app searching for a hopeful podcast on a healthy pregnancy following a miscarriage. I found one with Adriel Booker and I started to listen. Adriel described her first miscarriage and I remember feeling comforted and seen hearing her story. When she started talking about her second pregnancy, I started getting the feeling that she was going to lose the second baby too. My heart sank and I almost turned the podcast off. I thought to myself, I was searching for a way to be hopeful, not to feel more fear! Deep inside, I felt I needed to continue listening. I tried to convince myself that I needed to continue listening because the hope was still coming in her story and I didn’t want to miss it. Then, Adriel started talking about her third miscarriage. Again, this pit in my stomach grew and I remember standing in my bathroom looking at myself in the mirror, listening to this podcast and I couldn’t stop the tears - so I turned the podcast off. I tried to ignore the pit in my stomach as I went to sleep that night.
On March 26 2022, I woke up 6 week pregnant with my 3rd baby. I had made it passed the point in my 2nd pregnancy where I miscarried and for that reason, my hope was regained! Later that morning, I went to the bathroom and noticed a dot of blood the size of a dot made with an ink pen. I tried my best to hold the panic at bay. This was exactly how my first miscarriage started. Instead of dwelling on that, I decided to busy myself with cleaning my house. Justin must have sensed something was off - thinking back, I was so in my head, that I’m sure I seemed so much more quiet than normal. I was able to calmly explain what was happening. I told him that this could be normal and I went back to doing the dishes…and then I crumbled! I broke down standing over my dishwasher, sobbing uncontrollably, just overwhelmed by the though of losing another baby. The cramps began to slowly increase. In my mind I screamed at God, “WHY? Didn’t I tell you, God, that I CAN’T DO THIS AGAIN?” In this exact moment, at one of my lowest points, is one of the handful of times I’ve heard God’s voice. His voice was gentle but sure and immediately responded with “YOU can’t, BUT I CAN!!” Justin came and embraced me for a long time. I could feel his disappointment, but I knew that he was not directing those feelings toward me. Soon I called OB/GYN on call and was instructed to stay home and rest. The Doctor said that if I was miscarrying, nothing could be done this early and she wanted me to follow-up with my Doctor on Monday morning. My parents once again came to my rescue. I’m always comforted by their presence. They sat with me and played with Ellie. Ellie snuggled with me and gave me so many hugs. It’s almost like she knew mommy needed her. I held her in my arms and was so grateful that my first pregnancy was healthy and that I experienced giving birth to Ellie and all the joys that followed.
Even though I was fairly certain I had a miscarriage, there was this little piece of me that was hoping, miraculoously my pregnancy was still in tact. I saw my OB/GYN the Monday after. They had me provide a urine sample first. Within minutes of giving the sample, my MyChart app notified me that according too the sample - I was pregnant. I knew this wasn’t an indication that I had not miscarried but it felt like a knife was plunged into my stomach. Next I was sent to ultrasound, and she asked the standard questions - what was the first day of your last period? How many pregnancies have you had? I answered with short answers so I wuldn’t start crying. Then, she asked if I could be any earlier than 6 weeks because she wasn’t seeing anything. I tried to open my mouth to answer but nothing came out. Thankfully my mother was in the room and said “did they tell you that she has been bleeding all weekend and they are checking to see if she had a miscarriage?” I could tell the ultrasound tech felt terrible. We had seen the doctor before being sent to ultrasound, so we assumed she had been filled in on my history. My Doctor reviewed the results with me and gave me the closure I needed. There was no viable pregnancy left, my baby had been washed away, again. It felt like a sinking hole in my chest and at the same time like a weight was removed from my shoulders. Now I knew I could begin to truly grieve my loss. I was referred to a fertility specialist after this loss which gave me some home that we could get some answers. I’ll provide some insight into that experience on another post.
On Tuesday I had to return to normal life, as if the last three days, or even the last two weeks, never happened. This is why losing the life of a baby is so lonely. It’s no one’s fault, but life continues on around you and you feel stuck in this pain, that it seems like nobody else sees or understands…BUT GOD!
I read this in a book called Held by Abbey Wedgeworth (link to her book on amazon - https://a.co/d/60zDGlM):
“In this way, the frustrating experience of being hemmed in actually is rather like the hemline of a garment, because in deciding our limits and allowing us to experience them - in bringing us to the place where we feel frayed - God keeps us from unraveling by leading us to himself.”
Hearing God’s voice in the midst of my pain and loss, may be the single moment in my life that I felt the closest to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ! I have often as a Christian received the question of why bad things happen. I know that the answer to the why is because of sin entering the world at the beginning of God’s story. But, what this loss taught me, is that if it was not for this great pain and heartache that I endured, I would never truly know God’s power and peace and comfort in the way I now do! I’ve said before there is freedom in trusting God and that’s exactly what I experienced. God cares for me in the midst of my trials, even if He doesn’t take away my trials.
As my final piece of hope for today, I’m going to give you a link to an album that I can’t get enough of! I don’t know Leanna Crawford’s story, but her entire album has spoken to me and given me hope and comfort in this season of waiting in my life! I hope you check it out and enjoy it!
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